Of Love
by cathat77
Summary: Charles's many experiences with love. Mentioned Charles/Erik, Charles/OFC


**Title:** Of Love  
><strong>Author:<strong> cathat77  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG-13  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 1000  
><strong>Characters:<strong> mentioned Charles/Erik, Charles/OFC  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Charles's many experiences with love  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> In no way, shape, or form does X-Men First Class belong to this author. X-Men First Class is the property of Marvel, and this author is merely borrowing from the Marvel Universe.

Of Love:

Charles has known the stories of lovers since he was a small child. They gazed longingly at each other, full of a devotion that he found lacking in his parents' marriage. Their minds sung of happiness and devotion, of a freedom he hoped to have and feared he would not have. To say that Charles is a dreamy boy is an understatement. His head is not in the clouds of the heavens. Instead, he floats blissfully in the thoughts of love and kindness he finds with lovers.

He also finds the greatest cruelty he will ever know because there in that ephemeral bliss does he learn of the great human emotions: pride, envy, lust, desire, and hate. He finds that women who blink coquettishly at their partners can also wield their minds like fencing foils to attack with contempt and jealousy. He finds that men who choke on the smoke of their cigars think only of the pin-up girls who they imagine are delightful and sexy vixens not just painted whores.

As Charles grows older, his mother remarries a man so horrible that Charles's head aches for days afterward. He never knew what true hatred, revulsion, and disgust did to a mind until then. Though Charles hates the man, Charles learns that if unchecked, he will foster a mind exactly like Kurt Marko's, and if he is to prevent that from happening, he needs to believe in the good of all people. He does, and it hurts, but he continues because of his childish determination. He is scared of hatred; he doesn't like it at all.

He meets Raven in the dead of night, and she is small and shivering and blue. He looks at her and sees himself, finding family in a thief. She stole his heart, and he gladly let her because as she liked to say so often, sisters always know best. He doesn't mind convincing everyone that she is the sister he's always had. Yes, it makes his mind hurt, but he loves her like he has loved no other except for his father, now long dead. Through Raven, he learns that love works through sacrifice, and he hides his physical pain from her just the same because he loves her. Years later, a friend will ask how he survived in such an ostentatious piece of shit that he calls home, and Raven will cheerfully reply that she was the balm to his strain.

Silently, Charles will agree.

When he exiles himself to Oxford after his mother's death, he finds love again in the bottle of a pint of beer. He is young and reckless and drinking far than he ever should. But, that young girl over there has the prettiest green eyes, and he can't help but be mesmerized. He realizes that puppy love stings, but its pain is bearable, and though that green-eyed girl will only love him for one night, Charles does not mind. He learns the ways of romantic love from this girl, and Charles is ever the eager student.

Only in the ocean in freezing water does Charles find the brightest star in the sky who masquerades as a man named Erik Lensherr. They are equals, and with practice, Charles knows this man will soar in the sky higher than any other before. Erik is filled to the brim with anger, but Charles finds that he holds love to his chest and does not let it go easily.

Erik holds Charles possessively during sex, tight enough to form bruises that both Erik and Charles treasure separately and secretly. Erik loves seeing those bruises form because they remind him that Charles is real and corporeal not a fantasy or a dream. Charles loves them because simply, Erik put them there. He likes poking at them in the bath, feeling the flare-up of pleasure-pain. He likes to feel Erik's large hand covering his face because the warmth seeps into his skin. He likes how cold Erik's feet are at night and cuddling with him to make him warm.

Charles loves Erik more than anything else. But, it is still not enough.

Erik loves revenge more than he loves Charles. He loves his ideals because he can chase his ideals forever, but Erik is always convinced that Charles will leave him. So, he leaves Charles first. Erik takes his whole heart with him because he left with Raven in his wake.

Now Charles is left with no heart and no idea what to do.

He kisses Moira to wipe her memory, and the kiss is like ash in his mouth.

Charles finds something akin to love in teaching his students. They cannot fill the gap where his heart once was, but he feels tenderly for them. The ache disappears, but Charles soldiers on, ever the Brit. He has a son who he loves with a woman he does not.

After Charles retires and retreats from life, he likes to think he spends his days in contemplation, but he knows that he is hiding because that childish fear is back. He is afraid that he hates everyone, that his mind is tainted with pain and anger. He knows he nurses old wounds. He wonders whether he has given so much of himself away that he is no longer Charles Xavier but instead a shade, some parody of himself, preaching idealism.

Sometimes, Charles wants to die.

He is old.

He thinks that he has earned death. He worries that he won't die. He knows his "X-Men" (oh! How he despised that name.) worry about him, think of him as their father in both mind and cause. He doesn't have the strength to console them.

He dreams that Magneto comes back to him and that they live their days out in games of chess and witticisms.

He is old now.

So, Charles does what he did as a child, and his mind floats free, observing feelings of love. He doesn't mind that he leaves his body behind.


End file.
